[Note: This is in response to a question someone posted on Reddit. You can see the original post here. (opens in a new tab)]

This excerpt is good. It has great visuals, and I can really see the setting through your descriptions. There’s good emotional tension in the main character and a relatable mystery building as he walks towards the house. This is a good start for a story!

Although this is probably a first draft, I have a few observations and some feedback.

—General notes:

1) I love the shabby atmosphere you set right off the bat: the faded cab and the guy’s cheap suit. Realistically depressing and relatable, and that mood is carried through the rest of the excerpt.

2) Not to argue with a previous commenter regarding “show, don’t tell” (which is a guideline, not a rule), I think it’s fine that he shields his eyes from the sun. I’m from South Carolina, so this resonated with me! But that sentence should be split in two. He shields his eyes. Then he peers.

Also, if you’d like the oppressive summer heat to add to the mc’s discomfort, consider mentioning it when you continue the scene. For example, the inside of the house could be stifling. And in a humid, hot environment, it would almost certainly smell like mold (assuming this takes place in a humid environment).

3) His feet should feel heavier with each step, since that’s when he’s actually moving them, not after the step, when they’d be on the ground.

4) It’s daytime, so why does he hear crickets? I know crickets project lonely imagery, but cicadas in the unkempt trees overhanging the yard would work better for daytime. They can be deafening in the summer. It can be a bit disorienting to stand underneath trees that are full of them because they don’t buzz in unison, and they create an echo under dense branches.

5) Existential is an odd word choice here. It relates to existence or time but doesn’t seem to fit this context. At least, thats what I gather from this snippet.

6) Is the porch made of wood? Most house porches are made of concrete, bricks, or cement, which typically won’t sag when you step on them. A wooden porch brings a mobile or modular home to mind, which doesn’t fit with what you seem to be describing at the beginning of the scene.

If his childhood home is an actual house, perhaps the porch has moss or mold and the wooden handrail nearly falls when he grabs it, or it has already fallen over, instead of the entire porch sagging.

But if you want the porch to be wooden on a traditional house, try mentioning the dilapidated wooden porch when you first describe the dilapidated traditional house. Then when it sags under his weight, the reader will understand because you’ve established that it’s made of decaying wood.

—Notes on Tone and Mood

Consistent tone for the most part, and it goes well with the character’s mood. But consider the following:

1) The phrase “numbered legion” when referring to the crickets sounds a bit too fanciful compared to the mood of the prose up to that point.

2) I love the phrase “shifted and sighed” when he steps on the porch. It feels like the porch doesn’t have the energy to stand up any longer, mirroring what the character is feeling.

3) The word “deteriorate” doesn’t work here because the porch has obviously been deteriorating for a while. Deterioration is a slow process. Something similar to “collapse” would be better.

4) The word “dancing” is too cheerful for describing the critters’ movements here. Try something similar to skittering, darting, crawling, or some other word that doesn’t have a cheerful connotation.